For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
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I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?