For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
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Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
not seeing the problem
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.