For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
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I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Always leave them wanting their money back.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position