For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
You Might Also Like
We found love in a hopeless place.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
#Thanos #MondayMood
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
That’s it.I’m out.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.