for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
when there are deer in the woods
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?