For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
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I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”