For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
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I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.