For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me


My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.


[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?


ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure


Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.


Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere


Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.


I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.