For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra