For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
where the womens at?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.