For the baby who has everything
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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.