For the baby who has everything
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.