For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
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imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Bros before Ohioes
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.