For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
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Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
thanksgiving in nutshell
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
tourist season
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”