FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
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She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*watches the world burn*
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.