For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
You Might Also Like
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
6: are snakes just neck?
Not even remotely sorry.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
work smarter, not harder
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.