For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?