For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
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bad news gang
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Well well well…
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.