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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I occasionally drink every single night.
I feel it
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.