For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
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I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Where’s my employee discount too?
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
S/o to @funTweeters .
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Lmfao
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.