For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
You Might Also Like
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo