For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!