For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
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These aliens are taking forever.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q