For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
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What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.