Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE