For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
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I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.