My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
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TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Single and childfree like Jesus
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.