For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”