For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

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My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.


[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*


I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.


police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one


CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.


I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.


Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..


The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.