For those that worship cheese..
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Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
#CoronaOutbreak
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.