For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
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The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral