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Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.