For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
You Might Also Like
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.