For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

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Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.


I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff


I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!


Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control


My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…


[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat


My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.


All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.


My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.