For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
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Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
was Jim off killing horses or…
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.