For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
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This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.