For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My favorite type of men is ramen.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
How wrong was this guy?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*