For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
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Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Art by Pastelkatto
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*