For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
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Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
#NoRestForTheWicked
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
stop
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’