@DirtMcTurd

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

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@fireland

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

@RodLacroix

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

@ItsAndyRyan

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

@PaperWash

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

@CVTBaby

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

@MatCro

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

@lcwojo

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

@Jake_Vig

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

@SteveKoehler22

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.