
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food