@fireland One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
@DirtMcTurd For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
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@fireland 
@RodLacroix Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
@STRIKINGxVIKING *Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
@ItsAndyRyan Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
@PaperWash me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
@CVTBaby I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
@MatCro Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
@lcwojo Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
@Jake_Vig With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
@SteveKoehler22 My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.