For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.