for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
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This is painfully accurate 😅
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Oceanography is all about current events
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.