for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
