Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
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So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”