Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
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what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.