Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
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My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
remember
only for emergencies
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️