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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

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@FatherWithTwins

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

@ericsshadow

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

@wolfpupy

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

@SteveKoehler22

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

@UncleDuke1969

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

@Sorrowscopes

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

@patnspankme

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

@SarcasticSadOne

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

@TheCatWhisprer

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy