Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
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Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Interior design 👌
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.