FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
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“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well