@ndiquote

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

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@QwertyJones3

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

@fro_vo

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

@proEXgirlfriend

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

@XLToast

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

@DarkerWillow

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

@bridger_w

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

@quantumsleep22

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

@HatfieldAnne

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

@iamAbuya

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents