her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

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[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?


Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*


Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”


In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.


Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”


I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants


*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*


Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…


Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.