her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

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Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots


Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there


Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.


Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*


Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.


This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all


Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.


You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.


1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents