[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
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My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.