[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.