[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
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My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Got him!
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.