Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
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It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”