Forever 21… pounds overweight
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[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Chicken bread
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes