Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”