Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains