@pleatedjeans

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

You Might Also Like

@Cactuscali1991

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

@AnniemuMary

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

@tastefactory

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

@SteveSuckington

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

@david8hughes

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

@DevilryFun

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

@Samiam556

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

@I_am_carbs

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork