Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
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