Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
You Might Also Like
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.